He's just sitting around, living his life.

He's just sitting around, living his life.
Not a care about the impact his absence has on other people's life, blissfully unaware of the constant ache it causes, and certainly ignorant to the warmth his presence provides. He is blind to the amount of friendship and love he needs to display, and the shit he needs to appear to give to allow the people who care about him to continue to believe he is still in their lives, and so he expects his appearance two weeks ago to suffice in helping them to have faith in his dedication towards them. While his friends and I think of him and make excuses for his absence, he doesn't spare us an action. He may be thinking about us, so a thought may be being spared- and in my effort to make excuses for his behaviour I am obviously inclined to believe that- but he has done nothing to show it.
He's just sitting around, living his life.
He has heaps of work to complete, an education to receive, a well-off family to care for, a car to keep washed, a mind to keep calm, a body to keep fit, an existence to keep whole; from the melodramatic way that was said it may seem he is the only one who has those obligations, but upon close perusal it is obvious they are generic and a part of every normal teenager's life. I realise this. His friends do too. Yet they let him get away with thinking he's made us think he's busier than we are. And all this while, there has been no sudden apology driven movement on his part.
He's just sitting around, living his life.
His lack of initiative could be construed as heartlessness, and I wouldn't write off someone who came to that conclusion because it is a perfectly valid one to come to. He's cooped up in his cocooned world where interaction doesn't matter and communication survives effortlessly even in its own absence. Immersed in his mediocre acquisition of bookish knowledge and his myriad of music, far from the effects of intellectual stimulation, he's convinced that he has everything he needs within his four walls and that he faces no deficiency of anything. He envisages a life in the future where he will provide a wholesome life to himself and will do his existence justice. The foresight he thinks he has takes away from his present. We are his present, even though he isn't.
He's just sitting around living his life.
I sit here thinking of him, ruminating about his undeniable inconsideration, running away from the people who are waiting for me to reciprocate their initiative in trying to get my attention- they call themselves my friends, even though I call them so rarely. The disappointment I feel in the way he has allowed the 20 years of his life to culminate to this point has me distracted from the fact that I've spent the last 6 months of my 18 being disillusioned with his lacklustre, unfulfilling aura that is a waste on the potential I feel so proud in having observed. I yearn for the opportunity to convert this stored up brilliance into visible genius and my psychological and emotional prowess is thwarted whenever it is faces with his reluctance to allow his life to be lives the way it ought to be- well. While he stumbled across its different phases, maybe even came across one with energy in it, what have I been doing? I've just been sitting around, living my life.

Come at me

"I want to understand this.
So, you're angry with me?"
What a perfect time to be eloquent
So much to say,
Yet you'll find me silent.
I want to know what's going through your mind
I feel  as if you've surpassed me
You've gone so much more ahead, so fast
You've gone and left me behind.
You were right,
You hit the nail on the head,
You wanted me to burn tonight,
I assure you, babe, I'm burning
You can find the irony
When they tell you what they found
Me lying listless on my bed,
When they tell you how much I bled,
From my heart, my soul and my mind
All those momentarily are lost,
But my body is right here for you to find.
It would be much too easy to leave this world now,
It would be much too chrachteristic,
It would be muct too masochistic,
I want to face this head on,
I want this fire, this fight to live on,
I see only you when for help I look above
Well, babe, I guess I'm in love.

I want you to realise,
The pride I put aside,
To rot in hell as I called you back.
For once I told myself no lies,
I kicked my ego, my façade aside
I let the truth reach inside;
I made no fuss about the way you spoke
I behaved like I had always imagined I would
With my lover cum best friend cum life support
With no pressure of society's expectations and
I forgave your harshness;
I went ahead and cut you some slack.
I was honest with myself about what I want
What I want is not to win
What I want is not to disconnect
What I want is not to tell myself it's over
So I can acquaint myself with a life alone
What I want is not to justify my good luck being gone
What I want is you.

What's the worst that can happen?
How close will my world come to ending?
You might turn around,
Turn my smile upside down,
And tell me you're leaving me.
Solitude and woe is a small price to pay
For the introduction to love
I was given today.
This isnt the first time I've had the guts
To say what was really on my mind.
To get it all off, all at once, all honest
Rather than smile at first,
Lie my way through a couple of days
And then with my real feelings
Sneak up on you from behind.
But today I hurt you?
How does that work?
I affected your composure,
I made you feel resentment,
You felt some pain on my account?
Are you absolutely sure?
Doesn't sound like something I could do.
But, I suppose if I had to believe I could,
I'd believe I could with you.

We really lashed out didn't we?
We really went at it with full force,
We snipped at each other,
Abused the glory out of our accomplishments
Injected poison into the argument
So it lay there exploited
Raped and abused.
I apologized because I felt the pain
Of thinking you thought I wasn't worth forgiveness.
You must hold me in high regard, my love.
At all time, you must think highly of me
If not, what is the point of achieving anything?
Why win if you won't be proud of me?
I can finally roam the streets
Looking like my drabbest self
By consoling myself and thinking,
"I still have him to myself."

Sleep over it, babe,
Close your eyes as mine stay open
Every moment of tonight,
As I infuse my mind
My soul and my heart
With protection, strength and belief
As I think of our beautiful fight
And how in that moment
I jumped off the cliff of reservation
I kicked off the mud of hesitation
And into your love
Into your being,
I took flight.
So, come at with me with the best you've got
Because I've never felt stronger
Than I did after we fought.

Run (1)

(1)

If it had been the past, she would have run

But how far can you run from yourself?

Wince before your heart contracts;

Kill yourself before they can kill you,

Walk past the white light,

The dark feels more real.

Move your body as if you feel the joy

Tell yourself it’s for you,

Who are you trying to convince?

More likely she did it for her newest boy toy.

Her cowardice is nothing new

She lives because they watch her do it

They define the boundaries,

She plays the game within,

The bellwether for sure,

But still within those limits, what’s the use?

Push them and feel yourself fly!

We’ve all got the wings!

Hers are more intricate,

Than those of anyone around her,

But she lives as if they are grey,

Powerless, meant to bow down

She’s a specimen, her mind a marvel

Beauty flows from every part of her, yet

Belief in herself she needs more,

More of it until in the mirror,

She sees the artist of her own future

Till the shadows behind her disappear

Allowing her to shine through,

Yes, I’m talking to you!

Look here you filthy waste of brilliance,

They see the merit

Of every minute of your existence

They wish to spend theirs in your presence

You repay them with raised eyebrows,

Disbelief and suspicion,

Push them away, go ahead, push

Why would they not move a step back?

And then you’d focus on only that!

Do you not want to win?

Child, look at what you are

Look at the colour you induce

Look at the awe you produce

Look at the men you seduce

You may have done it as a test,

But you still did it the best,

Look around, you did it nonetheless!

Don’t close your eyes,

It won’t help reverse your lies,

You’re kept awake by your own mind

They won’t follow you anymore,

Stop looking behind!

I know, I know, I know you wish

That after bringing you

Into this mad world, they had left you

I know you think they’ll catch up

But, so what if they touch you now?

Your mind has your power

Preserve it to fight them off

Silence does it, say not a word.

They deserve anything

But the gift of answers

Let them wonder, let them work

They killed your soul,

Your mind may still be yours,

I asked the godly men,

They said they could save it for you

But only through you,

You can ignite your own flame

Leave behind the apathy

Dump on your past the blame

But use that gifted hand of yours

And paint the path ahead

Lift it slightly, put some life into it

I know it hurts to try and live

But you must try,

You have so much left to give!

So much left to take from this world,

It owes you so much,

You wonderful, perfect girl

Your flaws are so well concealed

Sometimes I wonder if they survived

The torture you went through.

Look, you melted me too,

I already love however much I have of you

Those friends of yours value

That they belong in some part to you

No, love, look ahead!

No one if following you!

Show me those eyes,

Look into mine, enrapture me

Capture me, share your sorrow

Let go of yourself, run!

Run because you want something,

Something that lies ahead,

Not because you want your mind

To leave something behind.

That sunlight you see?

Let it touch your skin,

Open that mouth of yours,

Add to the din!

Your voice cuts through mediocrity

You’re different, you see?

Now reveal what’s on your mind,

Or leave it for me to find.

Why won’t you touch me?

Where are you running?

No, come back, you’re mine now

I won’t hurt you,

You’ve suffered enough

You’ve had it rough

I came here to turn your frown

All the way around, upside down.

Don’t hide from the good,

Do you even remember it looks like?

Somehow

It's all okay; I'll still live my life. I'll smile tomorrow, I'll laugh a lot too, but I can't help but wonder what I'd be doing with you.
Neither you nor I are perfect- but somehow you made my flaws seem like the part of me that should be retained, and not the part that needed to be changed.
You touched me somewhere deep inside. I was comfortable; from you and myself I felt no urge to hide.
I know it wasn't love, but only because you said you'd seen it before. And in our togetherness you saw the dearth of that so much more.
I fool myself into thinking I'm getting tougher. Even so, the path to that satisfaction keeps getting rougher.
I will never stop doubting I was born to be wounded. Just look at what trusting someone too soon did.
I'll break soon enough, my strength will vanish. My reflection is inadequate, my being incomplete. But no matter how weak, I want not to be alone, to know what it's like to stand on my own two feet.
There are those sodden ones who try so hard and sometimes manage to understand. I will live harder for those who wish I were to hold their hand.
They see my merit; and I'm sure you do too. I've been told to have that much faith in you.
But they're still here, watching me live, laugh and lie. But from that distance you couldn't possible know if I was even getting by.
You felt my walls crumble around me, even though you hadn't tried hard to get in. Your voice had stuck out from the surrounding concerned din.
You saw the soft centre amidst the boundaries stuffed with tenacity. I didn't even need to prompt you to discover me.
And yet there you are, clouding my sub conscience. And I'm bearing the brunt of feeling this nonsense.

I"ll wait again

(I want a melody for this too)

I sent it anyway, the love

I don’t know whether you feel it yet

It won’t change the way you act,

Your shallow actions lack soul, lack depth

Care of me is something you never kept

I’ll just lie down here for a while,

You can go on with your life,

I’ll wait for you to look my way,

And you can go and look for a wife

I’ve waited before and I’ll wait again

Fill up my mind space with your face

That arm needs something to keep it steady

And my body is feeling just a little lonely

You can walk away now but later you’ll see

You’re meant to put your arms around me

Around me, sit here with me,

Sit here with me, be around me.

You can deny you said you need me,

I’m past caring about what others say

You can control your urges forever,

But it’s those staring eyes that give away

What your mind is doing with me today

It’s a new day for us to get closer

The distance between us is disappearing

Until you let your mind intervene and now,

As you walk away, you don’t hear my screaming

I’ve waited before and I’ll wait again

Fill up my mind space with your face

That arm needs something to keep it steady

And my body is feeling just a little lonely

You can walk away now but later you’ll see

You’re meant to put your arms around me

Around me, sit here with me,

Sit here with me, be around me.

I comfort you and so you flock to me

We are each other’s best reality

The calm is ripped apart all around,

But I’ll turn your frown upside down

Those few days of heaven we shared

Showed me how much you truly cared

We’ll never get those back but that’s fine

As long as I can be yours, and you, mine

Until we bond like we used to,

I’ll be right here waiting for you

I’ve waited before and I’ll wait again

Fill up my mind space with your face

That arm needs something to keep it steady

And my body is feeling just a little lonely

You can walk away now but later you’ll see

You’re meant to put your arms around me

Around me, sit here with me,

Sit here with me, be around me.

Living In Me

(I want a melody for this)

Yes please let’s live together

Let’s live together, we’ll smile more

You’ll light up when I’m close,

You be my bitch, I’ll be your whore

We’ll walk away and still remain

Your hand will always hold mine

You’ll inhale the smoke from my cigarette

I’ll have the meds, and you’ll be fine

All the other lovers with their fucked up shit

Can’t you see them fighting over there?

Look at me; I’ll look into your eyes

Tell me I’m beautiful, I’ll tell you I care

Fall down so I can pick you up

I’m going to slip now, keep your arms steady

Let’s share that last piece of heaven,

I’m living in you, you’re living in me

Living in me, you’re living in me.

They’ll all stare at us like we’re insane

We won’t see them from under our sheet

You’ll hold me like you never want to let go,

Touch my face, my neck, my legs, and my feet

I bought something for you today

I used the money we earned together

I’m feeling a little hot today,

Let’s go out and change the weather

All the other lovers with their fucked up shit

Can’t you see them fighting over there?

Look at me; I’ll look into your eyes

Tell me I’m beautiful, I’ll tell you I care

Fall down so I can pick you up

I’m going to slip now, keep your arms steady

Let’s share that last piece of heaven,

I’m living in you, you’re living in me

Living in me, you’re living in me.

Every single day that I wake up knowing

You’re alive somewhere waiting eagerly

Go to work, love, and I’ll go write

And at night we’ll meet and be you and me

I’m thinking the thoughts you shall act on

You’re looking at the man I saw

Let it get tough again, let’s get into trouble

Let’s have that fight, let’s break that law.

All the other lovers with their fucked up shit

Can’t you see them fighting over there?

Look at me; I’ll look into your eyes

Tell me I’m beautiful, I’ll tell you I care

Fall down so I can pick you up

I’m going to slip now, keep your arms steady

Let’s share that last piece of heaven,

I’m living in you, you’re living in me

Living in me, you’re living in me.

The silence we create will drown the din

Until we decide to get noisy again

My skin is waiting to feel yours,

Come and sit closer, feel my pain

I can feel our heart beating faster

I can feel our life getting better

My smile and I are opening wider,

I feel us getting wetter,
Our joy is getting louder,

Love, life, leave us never

All the other lovers with their fucked up shit

Can’t you see them fighting over there?

Look at me; I’ll look into your eyes

Tell me I’m beautiful, I’ll tell you I care

Fall down so I can pick you up

I’m going to slip now, keep your arms steady

Let’s share that last piece of heaven,

I’m living in you, you’re living in me

Living in me, you’re living in me.

Abyss

Its arrival won't be announced,

It will creep up on you nice and slow,

You might be sleeping, deep in another world,

But you’ll be awoken by this very real blow.

The realisation will crash upon you,

Your heart beat will suddenly slow down,

You will feel the tears welling up in your eyes

Your hair will feel like His thorn crown.

You will try and think about somebody you love,

And most importantly, someone who loves you,

And it’s when you’ll draw a nice clean blank,

That you’ll feel the sadness: raw and new.

A grim smile will stretch across your face,

As you begin to revel in the searing pain,

You are now set for a life of consistent pessimism,

Get ready to feel fire even in heavy rain.

You remember the time you could’ve been asked to care,

You remember it, and you cringe with sheer disappointment,

For now, whenever you have the option, you just let it go,

So you never have to suffer any embarrassment.

The water in the glass will never go beyond halfway,

The light at the end of the tunnel will always flicker,

The grass on both sides will seem misguided and unkempt,

And your slice of the negative pie will grow thicker.

Very soon, the lowest point of the abyss will be in sight,

You will find yourself weeping in the shower,

The cigarette will never leave your hands,

The wine will take you higher, and so much lower.

You will laugh at the expense of those you once defended,

You will see only hate in the eyes of those who try to care,

You will see the dark even the light of the sun is blinding,

You will see death even when you see a baby in its mother’s lair.

You will push people away, keep them at a distance.

Trying to convince them you’re not worth any effort,

Run away from love; immerse yourself in convenient hook ups,

You feel the stone in your frigid heart; you can no longer be hurt.

You want not to talk, but to stare into space,

You want not to be talked to, but not ignored,

You want not be to left alone, but not to be pitied,

You want to push them away, but you want to be explored.


Everything will close around you, your mind saturated,
You'll feel full of emptiness. there's nothing more you can learn,
The end of your life ought to be near by now,
You cannot explain that constant heartburn. 


That distortion of your face is more a smirk than a smile,
The lack of spirit is what actually kills,
You can't miss the thud when you reach the bottom of the abyss,
It will be found in the incident of the overdose of pills. 

I know why

Do you know what it's like to just completely give in?
To say, 'What the fuck', and just let him in?
Do you know how useless you feel after that?
Like, on self respect, pride and dignity, you turned your back.
You look into his eyes, and you hear his voice,
And you think, "Why the fuck did I believe your lies?"
You look back in time, and you think really hard,
But, you can't fathom why you let him be back in your heart.
Fine, he didn't cheat, but what he did was no better,
You think of that fact while you hear his laughter,
He's trying to be funny, ten jokes in a row,
But, all you want, is him six feet below.
You can't understand what he'd have to have said,
To get so well right back into your head.
What he could've done, to make up for what he did,
And, yet, what lies he told, and all that he hid.
All you'd ever wanted, was a little bit of truth, 
But that's more than you can expect from his type of uncouth,
He lays beside you now, and you wonder,
"Was I right in forgiving him? Or was that another blunder?"
You look at him once, from up to down,
And in an instance, the smile turns into a frown,
For in that moment you realise,
The precise reason, exactly why,
You'd let him back inside,
And let him take you for a ride.
Again you look at him, from down to top,
And notice how he never seems to flop,
And then you think how much you'd just cried,
Out with pleasure, and how hard you'd sighed,
You think of how much a better a lover he is,
Than any of the guys you'd gotten with.
You realise the thrill of him inside of you,
Was enough to erase every fucked up thing he'd done to you.
You wonder when your body had taken over your mind,
When you'd begun to care more for what got in from behind,
Rather than what was said to your face,
Just so you'd have that last passionate embrace.

Booyah!

And the cake is melting

And the drink is fizzing

I see the light go way bright

I know it's dark but I can see light

I think it's the booze

Why do I feel so loose?

I think it's the Tequilla

I hit the sack with Shiela

And John comes and joins

And he brings a few joints

We rejoice in a drunken haze

How do I get out of this messy maze?

I can hear your voice just dancing around,

I can see your body making a real sound

I ask the bouncer what time it is

He slaps me silly and makes me sit

hE tells me it's too late for me to be out

I tell him, FUCK YOU, and I shout

Hoooyah, BOOYAH

HoooYah, BOOYAH

This is is my very own party Bitch

You know cause you're here Bitch

Why do you act like you don't see,

All the things happening around me

Hoooyah, Booyah,

This is my party Bitch

This is my party Bitch

I walk to the door and more guests come in

They get beer and just add to the din

I look around and something stuns

This looks more an orgy than a party

And i still haven't gotten a man to do,

Who the fuck am I supposed to do?

So I grab the nearest mike and I scream into it

ARE YOU SAYING YOU DON"T WANNA GET WITH THIS?

Booyah, Hooyah

Booytah, Hooyah,

This is my very own party Bitch

You know cause you're here Bitch

You got a guy to do, I can see him in you

What's not in me that is there in you

other than the hot guy that i wanted to do

I'll get over my ire if you get me some booze!

Cause this is my party Bitch,

Look who arrived, Dr. Hitch,

Now set me up doc,

Or can I just have your...?

This is my party bitch

I ain't leaving Bitch

this is my party bitch,

Don't let anyone leave, bitch

Booyah, Hooyah

Noooyah,

Oh it's a new Year,

Booyah, it's a new year!

The Bellwether

The language of this poem is, to say the least, unfathomable, so please ask if you want me to explain it, because the message behind it is pretty darn awesome. I'm proud as fuck about having written this particular poem. Sorry I abuse so much. Lol jk.



The bellwether
Can lead in any weather
If he is woebegone
It is because his soul is gone
He searches for someone to objurgate
Instead he finds endless time to ruminate
Only to realize that the ship will float
It is, after all, more than a measly boat.
He looks for people to lionize him
He looks for those ready to inveigle him
As he walks
He mocks
The lack of those who are obsequious
Who trusted him and his power that was ubiquitous.
Then the nefarious truth
Bares down upon him, the elite uncouth: 
He thrived upon their subservience
The dearth of which plunged him into ruthless turbulence
He was hardly a man
Let alone one with a plan
They looked up to him
He looked down upon them
The vicious cycle continued
Somehow not turning into a violent feud. 
But now, they're gone, don't you see? 
And now he's alone, and lonely.
He isn't accustomed to solitude
Primarily to unconditional gratitude.
Learn from his unforgivable mistake
Learn to give and take
Know that they too have minds
Though of very disparate kinds.
Do not forsake
That though they make
It seem as if you are the only driving force
They possess at least one alternate recourse.
And if they happen to forget that you are meant to lead
You will be wanting much more than you will ever need.
Their service may not be fallible
Just as your command is not indelible.
You may provide to them an afflatus
But in desperation, you may become their only apparatus.
Hunger supersedes power, after all.
It dissolves the cry of those who may fall.
Listen, my friends, and learn.
Your opinion about yourself this may just turn
It may seem easy to dominate
But its just as easy for the submissive to abominate.

Rip

I wanna buy a gun
I wanna kill someone
Who, you ask, and I have no reply
Because it's you I wish would die.
Not really, no, not completely true
This loathing isn't just for you
It's for that other guy in my life
Who didn't know how to treat his wife.


Everything little thing he said to her,
Everything little thing he did for her,
Achieved only one thing,
She began to hate everything about his being.
He talked and talked and talked 
And she just wished he'd walk
Away from her, and never return
To her, and their children.


Slowly he murdered her very soul,
She felt parts of her heart break from the whole,
Over the years she lost the ability,
To see situations and their solutions clearly.
His ridicule and mindless complications,
Had tormented her mind, fraction by fraction,

And now, here she was, hardly alive.
A human unable to function or survive.


"Help!" she says, and reaches out,
"Someone save me, get me out!"


"Oh, please!" I say, "It's your own mess,
You brought this upon yourself.
Agreed, your guy is quite the dick,
But, only because you allowed him to pick.
Grow a pair, woman, ask for what you desire!
Don't moan when your man takes out his ire,
On the gutless thrash-able commodity,
You've let yourself be." 


It'll be tough to get out of this web that's been made,
But, woman, just go for it, rip off the band-aid."

The View

People say learning is a continuous process There’s never a stage where one knows all People says there’s never a time you can be perfectly sure Because however careful you are, you can always fall. People say many other things too Some too silly to ponder upon But once in a while, they say something worthwhile,  Something you feel you should act on. Everyday consists not only of opening your eyes,  Unless you take that metaphorically,  Everyday consists not only of hi’s, and byes,  It consists of an amalgam of dreams and reality. There are always 2 ways of looking at things Just a matter of perspective This view governs the way we think,  The way we talk, the way we live. For some the grass on the other side,  Is luscious and verdant,  While on their side, its scarce, its dry,  A load, a liability, a burden. For some the glass atop the table,  Never seems to fully empty,  At any given time, they think they are able,  Enough to convert the impossible into reality. We always have a choice. A choice between right and wrong A choice between standing up to it,  Or just simply going along. A choice between being famous,  And being loathed, infamous. A choice between hurting,  Or getting hurt. The choice we make,  At whatever age,  Decides whether we turn out as spectators,  Or as initiators, as originators,  As non violent preachers,  Or violent, malicious creatures. Whether we are just part of the crowd,  Or whether we stand out. We must remember, forevermore,  That before we let love or hate flow,  We must sit back for a minute,  And play Devils Advocate.

The Mango

Hidden in the branches,

From the heat of day,

Relaxed I lay.

Water flowed upwards,

From the roots,

To the leaves, and us fruits.

Then suddenly something trembled,

The leaves shading me,

Were removed from all around me.

A human hand!

“Ugh!” in disgust, I exclaimed,

Wondering from where this atrocity came.

The phalanges came closer, and closer,

They twisted the stem above me,

Tugged, and then separated it from me!

There I lay, in the human hand,

And they examined if I was ripe enough,

They squeezed me, and said, “Darn, too tough.”

The next moment, I was in a plastic bag,

That jiggled all the way till the car,

In AC comfort, we drove long and far.

After what seemed like an entire season,

The car came to a halt, and I,

Was taken out, and put on a counter to die.

Perhaps I was being pessimistic,

But the next thing drove all suspicions loose,

Because, bada bing, bada bong, and I was Mango juice!