Feather

Back then she drew all sorts of sighs out of him;
The gust tripped pedestrians three floors down.
He’d chuckle at the funny faces she’d make and feel the love brimming within.
Other times he’d see her body as uninhabited as the other planets,
And he’d moan as he found his residence there.
The things she said would knock him out,
Like a rogue baseball player with an agenda or an affliction or no talent.
But then her visage turned to fire and dried up the juicy potion of their love,
And now the air coming out of his mouth,
Wouldn’t even lift a feather off the ground.

Kind of Alive

If I told you I was the daughter of God, would you believe me?
If I told you I’m extraordinary I bet you’d laugh.
You’d say ‘every girl says that and every 20 year does too.
There’s nothing special about you, you fit right in somewhere.’
But if I wore an 8th colour and crushed all my baskets into an egg,
Would you go against everything you know?
I promise I won’t do that; I can see your boner fade away already.
I’ll wear formal clothes, even stick to deadlines,
Fiine, I’ll even say I hate broccoli and can’t fly.
But if you ever ask me to be a bore, perform like a machine or stay quiet,
I may disappoint, implode or explode, or I may just offer you a smoke.
I get really gassy when I’m alone,
Letting out things I can’t when people are around.
Like farts of self consciousness that I think float fine,
Or burps of racism that I see as a tasty blackened white.
Only when I’m alone though.
The rest of the time I’m far too busy
Closing my nose to smells everyone endures.
Originally published on one of my old blogs.

Pathetic Little Story

It’s a pathetic little story I have for you
Of why I couldn’t do what you wanted me to.
No matter how I say it, or what I say,
I really can’t hide what happened that day.
She came up beside me so fast, I’d barely moved;
Like the train that almost hits you
When you’re lost staring at city lights,
Or just, so lost, in the groove.
She came up beside me so fast, I barely even knew;
Like the words we hear on TV
Before we even change the channel
They’re a part of our vocabulary.
She came up beside me so fast, I thought it was you
Like the times you come into my dreams, into my head
Make me believe you’re so alive, and then just as quickly,
Go back to being dead.

You don’t need two nations for a brain drain to occur, I’ll tell you that.
I’ve been sitting here all morning and my eyes have seen nothing more than my own disappointment.
These people could be living in British Japan, I tell you
And they’d be just as ‘third world’ the whole day through.
It pains me to have to be around them and so I wonder;
I’m scared shitless that I’ve made the wrong decision!
Scared into silence, though my mind is buzzing itself into an indistinguishable murmur.
I have a job right now, you see.
I keep hoping it’s a nightmare but no that’s a real tree.
They pay as well as the others had offered to, they give me better and more work,
And i’m as happy as I deserve to be,
But the people around me are lowly.
If we shared a language or a skill or a certain extent of intellect,
I could have looked past their dire lack of beauty or humour.
But they have nothing to offer and I’m sitting here like a wasted tide-puller before Armstrong happened.
I do enjoy being in the spotlight; those furtive glances I intercept as the beholder turns rosy red;
But that attention is only welcome when I’m being looked at by someone I’d like to look at.
If it was unconditional attention we wanted we wouldn’t have the balls to condemn rape, now would we?
Save me from this inferno of dying vocabularies and stilted thought processes,
Take me far away from these men and women who can’t earn themselves money,
And have no ambition and beat their women and waste their lives.
I’m so afraid that if I work here any longer I’ll start to like them.
It’ll be just a smile at first, but then I’ll get used to it,
That laughter that’s only ever responsive, that talk they have
That I start off interested to hear but groan as it turns to shit.
What if they rub off on me and I emerge mediocre,
Sigh, is this what it’s like to be poor?

Bow your head and smile

Bow your head and smile, everybody, because nobody really wants to see it. They take pleasure in the sight of sadness around them, feeling as if they belong. It's all good until you sit back and realise you're nothing but one of them.

Grab his neck and ride, little ladies, because nobody likes to know you can't. They take pleasure in the sight of you from this angle, in all your glory and femininity. It's all pressured until you realise there's someone who can tell your chest apart from a hundred others.

Appear busy and YouTube all day long, flustered interns, because your bosses only care you're there if you act like you belong. It's all caged until you realise you're better than them because beautiful people love you and learn from you every day. 

Calm yourself and look at the creations of great human beings, unrecognized geniuses, because if it's meant to be, one day you will be paid to do what you think makes you special. It's all a reason to cry at night until you realise you're a celebrity at least to the people around you.

Quit fooling yourself and thinking you're smart just because you think you are, regularities, because more often than not you're pretty fucking typical and nobody likes an eye sore. It's all hunky dory until your parents die and there's no one left to tell you you're just as good as someone who's better looking, smarter, funnier and better in bed than you are.

Hide your money and work, my fellow robots, because if you've earned it somebody will want to take it away. They take pleasure in feeling like they went through something to get it. It's all great until you realise that something was your wallet and peace of mind.

Touch yourself and know what there is to love, desperate dismissers, because it will serve you well to know when a lover has found in you what you wanted him to want to find. It's all very easy to throw away if you don't know how you want to be seen or how you want to be loved.

Stop listening when people tell you that being yourself is enough, thriving dodos, because the fact is that it's the only thing you really can be. It's all righteousness and indignation until you realise someone will love you for what you are, even though most others will think you're a piece of shit. 

Embrace how much better life is if drinking and smoking and fucking and throwing yourself into love, semi-pleasured products of mediocrity, because it is in unspeakable satisfaction that the best version of you lies. It's all great to be alone and disruptive until you discover a man who won't break you because he knows you're a part of him. 

It All

Live because you can.
Fuck because you like your man.
Pull through because some people don't want you to.
Love because it makes you want to.
Hate yourself because you can't change.
Celebrate because that makes you strange.
Touch yourself to know you're alive.
Let him touch you to help you survive.
The warmth from your soul will warm your heart's cold,
If you imbibe the beauty of everything you hold.
Learn to need yourself more than others do,
Continue only if everything still seems new.
Swallow the wrath of everything you do wrong,
Con yourself into being true all along.
End everything when you devise a better plan and start again;
Bathe yourself in joy, and only just wear pain.
Watch your life being lived from afar;
It's not only in your galaxy that you're the brightest star. 
Let your mind run wilder than your body can,
Be your worst critic, and your most expressive fan.
Laugh at the end of every activity you complete
Find a place in the sky and only just float on your feet.
The canvas of your existence is clear;
Colour it with shades of everything you hold dear. 


Note: Published in my college magazine

3

Once upon a time,
There were 3 youths spending 3 years together.
Each one odder than the last,
They'd leave the world their classmates were in,
And meet in one they'd created for themselves.
In this world they laughed a lot,
Talked and thought and learned.
This world was brutally honest.
This world had no secrets.
This world knew twistedly lasting love,
With headphones, style, boobs and blown up feet,
They lived through each others' lives.
Imbibing from each other things they knew not,
They were blind to their blended tastes,
Deaf to the similarity in their voices
They remained who they were meant to be,
A mix if wit, charm, spunk, intellect, and stances,
For they still saw each other as their solidly original selves.
Little did they know the 3 sided closed figure of faith,
They had constructed through their union.
This unbreakable triangle had each of them in a corner,
Yet together they were a lesson to school kids all over the world.
Unwittingly they taught how being 3 youths people see as one,
Doesn't mean any of them were less of any one.

For one of the feathers in my cap

Yes, I suppose, you do behave a lot like a mother would,

I wouldn't have minded sharing blood with you if i could.

There's things about me which only you know,Which is uncanny since you know my life's always on show.

I needn't think twice before I say something to you,
For the times we misunderstand each other are so blissfully few.

Suddenly we'll discover we share yet another idiosyncrasy,And, just like I do, you'll feel like you got even closer; bonded with me.

I'm interested in everything you have to say,And I hope you are too because you know I can talk the whole damn day.

You're not going anywhere, you'll always partially belong to me,And as long as you're you and I'm me, I don't see how why we wouldn't be happy

Eventuality

Judge not I, for I is better than you,

I need not you, since I have I.

I judge you, for it is needed,

But, only because I is I.

Well, we all know that'a lie,

For, I need not the madness,

To push me over the edge,

Sadly, all I need,

Is you to be a bitch.

All these years we lasted together,

Without I, won't you extinguish?

Do you and I matter so less,

That you'll just let us slip?

Did what we did, all those times,

Have no meaning?

Did what we heard, and saw and said,

How do those memories,

Not stop you from leaving?

Eventually, I know, I will give up,

And the two peas in a pod,

Will be separated forever,

But, just this once, I can't help but wish,

That you'd come and say Sorry,

And stop being a bitch.

If there ever was a time,

To let the ego go,

That time is now,

I'd like you to know,

The thinness of the ice,

We're treading on,

We better stay together,

Or the strength will be gone.

Trust I, you need I,

Just as I need you; 

Redefining love and friendship alone,

Is something neither of us can do.

Come at me

"I want to understand this.
So, you're angry with me?"
What a perfect time to be eloquent
So much to say,
Yet you'll find me silent.
I want to know what's going through your mind
I feel  as if you've surpassed me
You've gone so much more ahead, so fast
You've gone and left me behind.
You were right,
You hit the nail on the head,
You wanted me to burn tonight,
I assure you, babe, I'm burning
You can find the irony
When they tell you what they found
Me lying listless on my bed,
When they tell you how much I bled,
From my heart, my soul and my mind
All those momentarily are lost,
But my body is right here for you to find.
It would be much too easy to leave this world now,
It would be much too chrachteristic,
It would be muct too masochistic,
I want to face this head on,
I want this fire, this fight to live on,
I see only you when for help I look above
Well, babe, I guess I'm in love.

I want you to realise,
The pride I put aside,
To rot in hell as I called you back.
For once I told myself no lies,
I kicked my ego, my façade aside
I let the truth reach inside;
I made no fuss about the way you spoke
I behaved like I had always imagined I would
With my lover cum best friend cum life support
With no pressure of society's expectations and
I forgave your harshness;
I went ahead and cut you some slack.
I was honest with myself about what I want
What I want is not to win
What I want is not to disconnect
What I want is not to tell myself it's over
So I can acquaint myself with a life alone
What I want is not to justify my good luck being gone
What I want is you.

What's the worst that can happen?
How close will my world come to ending?
You might turn around,
Turn my smile upside down,
And tell me you're leaving me.
Solitude and woe is a small price to pay
For the introduction to love
I was given today.
This isnt the first time I've had the guts
To say what was really on my mind.
To get it all off, all at once, all honest
Rather than smile at first,
Lie my way through a couple of days
And then with my real feelings
Sneak up on you from behind.
But today I hurt you?
How does that work?
I affected your composure,
I made you feel resentment,
You felt some pain on my account?
Are you absolutely sure?
Doesn't sound like something I could do.
But, I suppose if I had to believe I could,
I'd believe I could with you.

We really lashed out didn't we?
We really went at it with full force,
We snipped at each other,
Abused the glory out of our accomplishments
Injected poison into the argument
So it lay there exploited
Raped and abused.
I apologized because I felt the pain
Of thinking you thought I wasn't worth forgiveness.
You must hold me in high regard, my love.
At all time, you must think highly of me
If not, what is the point of achieving anything?
Why win if you won't be proud of me?
I can finally roam the streets
Looking like my drabbest self
By consoling myself and thinking,
"I still have him to myself."

Sleep over it, babe,
Close your eyes as mine stay open
Every moment of tonight,
As I infuse my mind
My soul and my heart
With protection, strength and belief
As I think of our beautiful fight
And how in that moment
I jumped off the cliff of reservation
I kicked off the mud of hesitation
And into your love
Into your being,
I took flight.
So, come at with me with the best you've got
Because I've never felt stronger
Than I did after we fought.

Run (1)

(1)

If it had been the past, she would have run

But how far can you run from yourself?

Wince before your heart contracts;

Kill yourself before they can kill you,

Walk past the white light,

The dark feels more real.

Move your body as if you feel the joy

Tell yourself it’s for you,

Who are you trying to convince?

More likely she did it for her newest boy toy.

Her cowardice is nothing new

She lives because they watch her do it

They define the boundaries,

She plays the game within,

The bellwether for sure,

But still within those limits, what’s the use?

Push them and feel yourself fly!

We’ve all got the wings!

Hers are more intricate,

Than those of anyone around her,

But she lives as if they are grey,

Powerless, meant to bow down

She’s a specimen, her mind a marvel

Beauty flows from every part of her, yet

Belief in herself she needs more,

More of it until in the mirror,

She sees the artist of her own future

Till the shadows behind her disappear

Allowing her to shine through,

Yes, I’m talking to you!

Look here you filthy waste of brilliance,

They see the merit

Of every minute of your existence

They wish to spend theirs in your presence

You repay them with raised eyebrows,

Disbelief and suspicion,

Push them away, go ahead, push

Why would they not move a step back?

And then you’d focus on only that!

Do you not want to win?

Child, look at what you are

Look at the colour you induce

Look at the awe you produce

Look at the men you seduce

You may have done it as a test,

But you still did it the best,

Look around, you did it nonetheless!

Don’t close your eyes,

It won’t help reverse your lies,

You’re kept awake by your own mind

They won’t follow you anymore,

Stop looking behind!

I know, I know, I know you wish

That after bringing you

Into this mad world, they had left you

I know you think they’ll catch up

But, so what if they touch you now?

Your mind has your power

Preserve it to fight them off

Silence does it, say not a word.

They deserve anything

But the gift of answers

Let them wonder, let them work

They killed your soul,

Your mind may still be yours,

I asked the godly men,

They said they could save it for you

But only through you,

You can ignite your own flame

Leave behind the apathy

Dump on your past the blame

But use that gifted hand of yours

And paint the path ahead

Lift it slightly, put some life into it

I know it hurts to try and live

But you must try,

You have so much left to give!

So much left to take from this world,

It owes you so much,

You wonderful, perfect girl

Your flaws are so well concealed

Sometimes I wonder if they survived

The torture you went through.

Look, you melted me too,

I already love however much I have of you

Those friends of yours value

That they belong in some part to you

No, love, look ahead!

No one if following you!

Show me those eyes,

Look into mine, enrapture me

Capture me, share your sorrow

Let go of yourself, run!

Run because you want something,

Something that lies ahead,

Not because you want your mind

To leave something behind.

That sunlight you see?

Let it touch your skin,

Open that mouth of yours,

Add to the din!

Your voice cuts through mediocrity

You’re different, you see?

Now reveal what’s on your mind,

Or leave it for me to find.

Why won’t you touch me?

Where are you running?

No, come back, you’re mine now

I won’t hurt you,

You’ve suffered enough

You’ve had it rough

I came here to turn your frown

All the way around, upside down.

Don’t hide from the good,

Do you even remember it looks like?

Somehow

It's all okay; I'll still live my life. I'll smile tomorrow, I'll laugh a lot too, but I can't help but wonder what I'd be doing with you.
Neither you nor I are perfect- but somehow you made my flaws seem like the part of me that should be retained, and not the part that needed to be changed.
You touched me somewhere deep inside. I was comfortable; from you and myself I felt no urge to hide.
I know it wasn't love, but only because you said you'd seen it before. And in our togetherness you saw the dearth of that so much more.
I fool myself into thinking I'm getting tougher. Even so, the path to that satisfaction keeps getting rougher.
I will never stop doubting I was born to be wounded. Just look at what trusting someone too soon did.
I'll break soon enough, my strength will vanish. My reflection is inadequate, my being incomplete. But no matter how weak, I want not to be alone, to know what it's like to stand on my own two feet.
There are those sodden ones who try so hard and sometimes manage to understand. I will live harder for those who wish I were to hold their hand.
They see my merit; and I'm sure you do too. I've been told to have that much faith in you.
But they're still here, watching me live, laugh and lie. But from that distance you couldn't possible know if I was even getting by.
You felt my walls crumble around me, even though you hadn't tried hard to get in. Your voice had stuck out from the surrounding concerned din.
You saw the soft centre amidst the boundaries stuffed with tenacity. I didn't even need to prompt you to discover me.
And yet there you are, clouding my sub conscience. And I'm bearing the brunt of feeling this nonsense.

Ended

I stood with my back against the wall,

My thoughts went wild and everywhere,

I thought of all that we could have had,

All the love I knew we were meant to share,

And how us ending would never seem fair.

It had seemed so good to be in,

That state of absolute happiness,

I’d never have thought it would end in pain,

I’d never have anticipated this mess;

From the sorrow I try and digress.

It had ended so suddenly,

The finality hit me out of the blue,

One day we were relishing each other’s company,

One day I was smiling at seeing the last of you,

This feeling of loathing is still so new.

I wonder, now, if I’ll ever want to leave,

The memory of what he had behind,

Deep inside I see myself with no one else,

But, I know you’re not that kind,

Finding someone new isn’t something you’d mind.

Some might think I’m the one who lost-

Being the one left pregnant at the altar,

Yet, somehow, I see myself so much richer,

Than the taller, huskier girl you went after,

For at least I know you’re not the father.

You win

Yes, I know what it is you want;

You do not have to write it down,

I can see the look in your eyes,

And decipher the import of that frown.

It was your fault, I’m afraid to say,

But, no matter, you’ll get away

Because you’re a drama queen and you get to win,

Even on my dullest, most unfortunate day.

You can shoot me those looks of loathing,

And ignore what I’m saying to you,

You can stab me in your head repeatedly,

And drive an ice pick through my jugular too.

For the next few moments, I want to laugh,

Until the one when I turn contrite,

Just for a while, let me wear that smile,

Until I say sorry for your patented fight.

I’m just going to sit here and stare,

Don’t go ahead and mind if I do,

I’m going to sit and try and think of things,

I can do to make this less about you.

Just two minutes, please leave me alone,

You’re too noisy, you’re too loud,

You don’t even know how annoying you are,

You strut around, irritating and proud.

You don’t quite like my glazed look,

The blankness; my eyes looking hazy,

But your constant energy and sprightliness,

That I prefer to lie quiet and lazy.

Whatever it is, I’m willing to lose;

I’ll sit back, not try, and just look,

And on your own stead, you seem to win,

I think I should take a leaf out of your book.

Try

If and when you're alive,

Just please smile.

Let your thoughts be enough

To keep you glad for a while.

Why must I make you aware,

That I’m looking at your somber face

Before you feel the need to show,

That happiness too shines through grace.

A photographer will argue,

That sadness makes for a better photo,

But as for all that I can glean,

That sodden scowl will only make a no-show.

Just once, I wish I met someone

Who was genuinely happy.

Just once I wish I came across a person

Who actually was content with their reality.

Why can’t that rigid exterior,

Ever mirror the strength inside?

Why must the hard shell always shelter,

The ire and grief we try to hide?

Give life a try!

Why doesn’t anyone see?

We weren’t born to regret,

Put more water in the glass half empty.

The glass may be half empty,

So forget it and drink up the rest of the water

Why must we depend on proverbial bullshit?

Be the happy girl who smiled before the ire caught her.

The good is always there;

The ups outdo the downs sometimes,

And I’d like to live seeing the silver lining,

And stretch as far as possible my happy times.

Move on

I want to do whatever I can to repay you,
To express the gratitude I have for you,
Trust me when I say this because it's true.
What's sad is that I don't know what to do.

Don't dangle the answer right in front of me,
And then just take it all away,
Don't test ,me to see whether I know already,
Just tell me how I can make it okay.

Our final goal remains the same,
We want to make up and talk again,
Stop being a spoilt little child, it's lame,
To be an adult, I'm willing to train.

Abyss

Its arrival won't be announced,

It will creep up on you nice and slow,

You might be sleeping, deep in another world,

But you’ll be awoken by this very real blow.

The realisation will crash upon you,

Your heart beat will suddenly slow down,

You will feel the tears welling up in your eyes

Your hair will feel like His thorn crown.

You will try and think about somebody you love,

And most importantly, someone who loves you,

And it’s when you’ll draw a nice clean blank,

That you’ll feel the sadness: raw and new.

A grim smile will stretch across your face,

As you begin to revel in the searing pain,

You are now set for a life of consistent pessimism,

Get ready to feel fire even in heavy rain.

You remember the time you could’ve been asked to care,

You remember it, and you cringe with sheer disappointment,

For now, whenever you have the option, you just let it go,

So you never have to suffer any embarrassment.

The water in the glass will never go beyond halfway,

The light at the end of the tunnel will always flicker,

The grass on both sides will seem misguided and unkempt,

And your slice of the negative pie will grow thicker.

Very soon, the lowest point of the abyss will be in sight,

You will find yourself weeping in the shower,

The cigarette will never leave your hands,

The wine will take you higher, and so much lower.

You will laugh at the expense of those you once defended,

You will see only hate in the eyes of those who try to care,

You will see the dark even the light of the sun is blinding,

You will see death even when you see a baby in its mother’s lair.

You will push people away, keep them at a distance.

Trying to convince them you’re not worth any effort,

Run away from love; immerse yourself in convenient hook ups,

You feel the stone in your frigid heart; you can no longer be hurt.

You want not to talk, but to stare into space,

You want not to be talked to, but not ignored,

You want not be to left alone, but not to be pitied,

You want to push them away, but you want to be explored.


Everything will close around you, your mind saturated,
You'll feel full of emptiness. there's nothing more you can learn,
The end of your life ought to be near by now,
You cannot explain that constant heartburn. 


That distortion of your face is more a smirk than a smile,
The lack of spirit is what actually kills,
You can't miss the thud when you reach the bottom of the abyss,
It will be found in the incident of the overdose of pills. 

Trust

Trust, is something I've always wanted to do,
I've waited for something to finally be true,
Yet, every time I see the light starting to come on,
Someone blows out the flame,
And, just like that, my faith is gone.
One reason to believe, God
One encounter, with one person who isn't a fraud,
I'm quite sure that's all that needed,
For me to get back onto the track of belief,
Your advice  I always have, but, this time,
It's my plea that must be heeded. 

I know why

Do you know what it's like to just completely give in?
To say, 'What the fuck', and just let him in?
Do you know how useless you feel after that?
Like, on self respect, pride and dignity, you turned your back.
You look into his eyes, and you hear his voice,
And you think, "Why the fuck did I believe your lies?"
You look back in time, and you think really hard,
But, you can't fathom why you let him be back in your heart.
Fine, he didn't cheat, but what he did was no better,
You think of that fact while you hear his laughter,
He's trying to be funny, ten jokes in a row,
But, all you want, is him six feet below.
You can't understand what he'd have to have said,
To get so well right back into your head.
What he could've done, to make up for what he did,
And, yet, what lies he told, and all that he hid.
All you'd ever wanted, was a little bit of truth, 
But that's more than you can expect from his type of uncouth,
He lays beside you now, and you wonder,
"Was I right in forgiving him? Or was that another blunder?"
You look at him once, from up to down,
And in an instance, the smile turns into a frown,
For in that moment you realise,
The precise reason, exactly why,
You'd let him back inside,
And let him take you for a ride.
Again you look at him, from down to top,
And notice how he never seems to flop,
And then you think how much you'd just cried,
Out with pleasure, and how hard you'd sighed,
You think of how much a better a lover he is,
Than any of the guys you'd gotten with.
You realise the thrill of him inside of you,
Was enough to erase every fucked up thing he'd done to you.
You wonder when your body had taken over your mind,
When you'd begun to care more for what got in from behind,
Rather than what was said to your face,
Just so you'd have that last passionate embrace.

The Bellwether

The language of this poem is, to say the least, unfathomable, so please ask if you want me to explain it, because the message behind it is pretty darn awesome. I'm proud as fuck about having written this particular poem. Sorry I abuse so much. Lol jk.



The bellwether
Can lead in any weather
If he is woebegone
It is because his soul is gone
He searches for someone to objurgate
Instead he finds endless time to ruminate
Only to realize that the ship will float
It is, after all, more than a measly boat.
He looks for people to lionize him
He looks for those ready to inveigle him
As he walks
He mocks
The lack of those who are obsequious
Who trusted him and his power that was ubiquitous.
Then the nefarious truth
Bares down upon him, the elite uncouth: 
He thrived upon their subservience
The dearth of which plunged him into ruthless turbulence
He was hardly a man
Let alone one with a plan
They looked up to him
He looked down upon them
The vicious cycle continued
Somehow not turning into a violent feud. 
But now, they're gone, don't you see? 
And now he's alone, and lonely.
He isn't accustomed to solitude
Primarily to unconditional gratitude.
Learn from his unforgivable mistake
Learn to give and take
Know that they too have minds
Though of very disparate kinds.
Do not forsake
That though they make
It seem as if you are the only driving force
They possess at least one alternate recourse.
And if they happen to forget that you are meant to lead
You will be wanting much more than you will ever need.
Their service may not be fallible
Just as your command is not indelible.
You may provide to them an afflatus
But in desperation, you may become their only apparatus.
Hunger supersedes power, after all.
It dissolves the cry of those who may fall.
Listen, my friends, and learn.
Your opinion about yourself this may just turn
It may seem easy to dominate
But its just as easy for the submissive to abominate.